i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He? As in you personified your dick?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
