Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
