i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
