mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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