I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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