Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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