Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
