hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
