Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
its liver damage thursday
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
