I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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