I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
