Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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