you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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