i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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