Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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