I cannot find my penis.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
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