my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
