I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
