Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
