I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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