Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
