what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
