i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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