Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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