Who wears a wallet chain?!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
