i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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