And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
