seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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