you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you will always have a special place in my vag
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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