I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
