Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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