so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
