She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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