why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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