Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
