Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
