just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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