I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
