If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
