I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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