Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
