Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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