someone threw a dead crab at me
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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