We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
