Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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