dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
