she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
