I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
