I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
