About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
