I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
